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Anecdotes. Humor from Russia
Михаил Курсеев
Сборник содержит лучшие анекдоты, собранные автором за последние три года. Человек, обладающий чувством юмора, эту книгу может сделать настольной, а лучше застольной. Делитесь юмором с друзьями всегда и везде.
Anecdotes
Humor from Russia
Editor Михаил Курсеев
Translator Андрей Мозжухин
© Андрей Мозжухин, translation, 2018
ISBNВ 978-5-4493-0648-7
Created with Ridero smart publishing system
***
Once aВ Russian, an American and aВ JewВ met:
The American says:
– Let’s meet at my place, I will arrange for snacks (he is naming a hell of dainty dishes)
The Russian says:
– Well then, I will come with a carton of vodka!
The Jew says:
– And me, I will come with my brother.
***
An Arab is toiling along aВ desert. Suddenly, he sees aВ vendor kiosk with aВ Jew inВ aВ serving hatch. The Arab addressesВ him:
– Have a heart, give me some water.
– I have no water, but I can sell you a red tie.
– Why, the hell, should I have a tie in the desert? You’d better give water!
– I told you, I have n water. Bu there is a restaurant in a mile. My brother is its owner. Go there, he will give you water.
InВ an hour the Arab crept back with his tongue hangingВ out.
– OK, man, sell me your fucking tie.
– What’s the matter?
– Your brother didn’t let me in without a tie!
***
Making aВ visit with:
American: with self-esteem and dignity.
Russian: with aВ bottle ofВ vodka.
French: with an inamorata.
Jew: with the wife and aВ cake.
Returning from guests:
American: with self-esteem and dignity
Russian: with ta blackВ eye.
French: with the host’s wife
Jew: with the wife and aВ cake.
What do they think ofВ on return:
American “Did I lose my self-esteem?”
Russian: “Will Svetka let me in or kick me off?”
French: “There is still a daughter”
Jew: “There are still oranges”
***
– Tanechka, it seems to me that I am pregnant.
– And what are the signs?
– I am sick of work and I really want to be by a salty sea.
***
AВ mother ofВ aВ second-former calls her friend. Her son is also aВ second-former.
– Have you done your sons math homework?
– Yes, I have.
– May I cheat it off?
***
AВ husband asks his wife inВ the morning:
– What did you think of at night, when I came home with a black eye?
– Nothing at all. Then there was no black eye.
***
AВ husband told his wife inВ the morning:
– Honey, I thought over to-night and decided that I will no more quarrel and argue with you.
– You just look at him…..he decided…..but did you ask me?
***
– Darling, let’s give your mother money for her birthday gift
– You mean fifty thousand
– Oh, my! Is she five centuries old?
***
AВ husband and aВ wife quarrel.
AВ wife:
– I won’t go with you anywhere.
– But why then did you put on such dress and make-up as a beauty?
– Just, I want you to see what a beauty didn’t go with you.
***
Tsilia talks with Moysha:
– Come to me this evening, my husband will go out.
– How will I know that your husband’s gone?
– I will throw a penny in the window. It will ting and you may come.
In the evening Moysha came under Tsilia’s window. Tsilia threw the penny. In ten minutes she stepped out on the balcony and shouted in the darkness:
– Moysha, are you here?
– Out there.
– What are you doing there?
– Looking for the penny.
– Look at this make-up of a Jew – Tsilia sighed – I have lifted it on a thread already.
***
AВ phone buzzer sounded inВ the apartment, while the dad-lawyer and the mom-medicolegist were out. The son has lifted aВ handset and having been asked toВ call the parents answered the call:
– My dad is in the prison and my mom is in the mortuary…
***
– Darling, since we started to give money to our son for good school grades, he is having “fives” only. You see, I hit the mark.
– Yes, honey, but it just seems that he shares money with the teacher.
***
AВ daughter calls mother and complained about her husband:
– Mom, he refused to eat the rice I cooked for him.
The mother advises:
– My dear child, tell him how much you aimed to please him boiling that rice for him.
– Wow, should I have boiled it?
***
AВ m an comes home with big box ofВ candies and asks his four children:
– Who obeys the mother always, who never argues with her, who does everything she asks to – that’s who will have these candies. Who do you think he is?
The kids replied inВ chorus:
– It’s YOU! And are there any candies for us, daddy?
***
An artist is painting aВ nude model. After that he suggests her toВ relax and aВ cup ofВ tea. She puts her cloths on, they drink tea and talk about sundry matters. ByВ and byВ they got carried away, and all ofВ aВ sudden aВ doorbell rang.
The horror-stricken artist criedВ out:
– It’s my wife! Get undressed fast!
***
Two towny boys come home slobbered over the seen at the pig farm. The elder one tells mother:
– Mom, we saw a pig at the farm that was much thicker and fattier than you!
The mother slaps the son on the head inВ hysterics and starts toВ cry bitterly.
The younger son tries to calm her down, palms her and says”
– Calm down, mom… There is not any pig in the whole world thicker than you.
***
A husband and a wife are making love. Suddenly a doorbell rings. The wife’s mother came. The three sit at the table, drinking tea.
The mother asks: – You don’t seem cheery, son, do you? How do you feel like?
The son: – As a rabbit!
The mother: – How come?
The son: – Because I was torn from my favorite affair and made to look at the anaconda!
***
A husband: – Honey, go to bed without me to-day, we’ll have an in-company party – you know, this and that. I don’t know how long I will linger over there.
A wife: – Darling, better tell me, until what hour I can surely count on?
***
– Excuse me, young man, can you tell me the time?
– I can, but roughly.
– Please, don’t torment…
– Wednesday, evening….
***
Internet dating.
– I saw your picture on the Internet, you look so beautiful. Let’s meet.
– No, I cannot, I am beautiful only pictured.
***
– Doctor, I had an early night yesterday, as you advised me, but still didn’t have enough sleep.
– Sounds strange, but why?
– I was thinking almost the whole night: What a good idea was it to have an early night to-day.
***
AВ frum Jewess bought aВ parrot and brought it home just toВ hear:
– Good day, my name is Sarrochka. I want to fuck.
Naturally, the lady fell unconscious and when she came around she ran toВ the rabbi for advice.
The rabbi said:
– Don’t worry, go to my friends who have two frum parrots that pray to God from morning till night – they will civilize your Sarrochka.
The lady did so. She went to the rabbi’s friends, told them the whole story and put the shmatte off the cage to hear again:
– Good day, my name is Sarrochka. I want to fuck.
Then one ofВ the host parrots tells the other:
– Senya, at last, the Lord has heard our prayers.
***
– Why are you divorcing?
– She is not talking to me half a year already.
– Take your time and think twice. It’s not so easy to find such a wife.
***
– Surely, you can… if you want to..
AВ wife praised aВ husband as she caught him nodding on the girl next door.
***
AВ son asks his father:
– Dad, where the babies come from in the families?
– They are brought by the stork.
– You mean, that one with the long nose?
– Yup!
– The one that lives in the south?
– Well, of course!
– Then I saw him, he came to mom, when you had been away on business trip.
***
AВ man comes toВ his friend and finds him playing cards with his dog. Surprised, he asks the friend:
– Is your dog so wise that he plays poker?
– No, he is stupid, I invariably win, cause he always wags his tail if the biddable hand comes.
***
An old top asks a sales clerk un the store: – Do you have a swimming cap? – No. – And a hockey-stick? – No. – Then, skies? – No! This is actually a liquor shop… – OK, then, give me a bottle of vodka, – and silently to himself, – God is my witness, that I wanted to sport.
***
AВ boy went on toВ bicycle.
Soon he comes back home driving aВ fancy Mercedes!
The parents ask him surprisingly:
– Whose Benz is it?
– Mine. I bought it.
– Well, do you know its cost?
– Sure, I do! A lady from that villa stopped me in the street and told: “Hey, you are such a big boy but ride a two-wheeled so far. Buy a Benz from me for 50 rubles”. Well, I bought it.
Mom and Dad ran toВ that lady.
– You sold the Benz to our son for fifty rubles, didn’t you?
– I did, let him drive for his joy.
– But why? How come?
– You know, my husband told me that he would travel on business, but actually he flew to Canaries with his young office girl. He called me from there and told that he had overspent, so he asked me to urgently sell the car and to send him money. That’s exactly what I did!
***
AВ married couple comes toВ aВ store/
The wife says:
– Give me 10 kilos of red offals.
The surprised butcher asked:
– Why do you want so much?
The wife:
– It’s for the dog!
The husband:
– But we don’t have a dog.
The wife:
– Don’t yap!
***
Human brain is aВ unique device. It functions non-stop the whole day. Until you switch on TVВ set.
***
AВ young lady drove inВ her car toВ aВ repair shop.
AВ mechanic opens the moto hood and sees aВ message inside:
– She cannot handle the stick. I won’t pay for repairs. Her husband.
The mechanic closes the bonnet and says:
– Sorry, we cannot help you anyhow.
The surprised lady reacted:
– Very strange, but this is the seventh shop with no skilled technician….
***
A young Jew comes to a firm about to go bankrupt and applies for a job. He doesn’t ask for any salary and is ready to work for the moderate sale fee. The firm has nothing to lose and they employed him. In a week the firm’s proceeds from sales increased in dozens times. The CEO comes personally to see how the new employee works and sees the following:
– You need a hooklet… (the employee says to the client). And do you have an angling line?
– No.
– Then take this, it’s thicker… and do you prefer fishing rod or spinning reel?
– Fishing rod.
– Then take this, it’s the best one. But with this it’s better to angle from a boat. Do you have one?
– No.
– Now, I recommend this two-seat rubber boat.
– Good.
– Heigh, how you will carry all that, you need a good car trailer, multi-purpose, will this do?
– It will.
– What car will you fix it to?
– Mercedes 600.
– Come on, it’s not a car to go angling, you need a jeep, off-roader with full speed across country… and we have Land Cruiser, will you take it?
– I will.
– Your bill comes to USD 62,000, please, pay at the desk.
The boss comes close toВ him.
– That’s a good boy. Wow, starting with the hooklet you upsell the fisher that way!
– Actually, he came to buy pads for his wife. But I told him that if his wife has a period, there is no use sitting home for three days.
***
AВ mental physician at the asylum decided toВ follow up his work. He got three nutters together and asked the firstВ one:
– Tell me, buddy, what do 1 +1 make?
– One thousand….
– Nuff said! Three months’ work down the plughole.
Then he asks the second ofВ the same:
– May be you know what is 1 +1?
– A brick…
– Now we know with you too. He refers to the third person
– Now, what would you say?
– 2…
– Say that again?
– 2…
– Attaboy! Good for you! Tell me, how did you make it?
– Doc, it’s very simple. I divided one thousand by a brick.
***
– Mom, are you an Indian?
– What’s that, sonnie?
– Why the sculp lies on your bedside table?
***
AВ surgeon tells toВ an inmate who awaked after general anesthesia:
– The operation was effective, you shouldn’t have cried and boiled over so.
– But what have I got to do? Doc, I’ve come to the hospital to do the windows.
***
– Dear, I have a naughty dream of you.
– And what I’ve been up to with you?
– You came and screwed everything up.
***
A small boy comes to music class, opens the violin case, and wow… there is a machine gun!
AВ teacher got aВ shock:
– What does it all mean?
The boy drew aВ sigh:
– Only that my father went to a bank with the violin.
***
Odessa, aВ Jew meets aВ friend and tellsВ him:
– I decided to make the birthday gift to my Sarah. I will present her with an opera!
– She seemed to dream of Mercedes.
– Well, where, on Earth, I can find a fake Mercedes?
***
AВ Russian is asked:
– Do you love your country?
– I do!
– Are you ready to die for it?
– Definitely ready.
AВ Jew is asked the same;
– Do you love your country?
– I do.
– Will you die for it?
– No.
– Why not?
– Who then will love the homeland?
***
AВ girl-friend tells her playmate:
– If you want your husband to buy you a fur coat, you should ask him about this during sex right along.
They meet again inВ some time:
– So, did you get your fur coat?
– No, and now no sex too.
***
AВ father, aВ mother and aВ son are driving back home after stayingВ out.
The mother says:
– Sonny, do you know that she has two University degrees, helps her parents, a clever girl with a good position at work and dresses as a model, she doesn’t roam the clubs, doesn’t smoke, she is the bachelor’s wife. I don’t understand, why didn’t you like her?
– Yeah, mom, calm down, I liked her, she is good….
– Well, sonny, I don’t know who is still you want, that way you ain’t gonna marry ever! And you, daddy, why don’t you tell him something?
– What can I say, I didn’t see if she has tits also.
***
AВ daughter asks her mother:
– What kind of package do the men have?
– The men’s packages are of three types, my dear child: when a man is 20, his mancock is like a oak – firm and hard; when a man is between thirty and forty, it’s like a birch – it bends, but it’s steady-going; and when a man is over fifty – his package is like a Christmas tree.
– You said – Christmas tree?
– Yes. The roots are stone dead and the globes are just Christmas balls.
***
AВ wife asks aВ husband:
– Dear, my cell phone money dried up, may I use yours to call my female friend?
AВ husband: Sure thing!
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